I have been reading some posts on blogs here and there and there seems to be a lot of talk about Post Partem Depression. Have any of you experienced this after the birth of a child or maybe even just the milder form they term the baby blues? I experienced this after RaeElise was born. It was like being in a hole that I was unable to lift myself out of. Actually, no one was able to lift me out. Prayer, singing, friends, the usual fixes for a bad day just didn't help...It finally let up when we moved into our home in Everett. A change of scene, I guess. A dream fulfilled? Who knows. I just know that the time was dark and no one could guide me out. I would love to hear some of your stories...I think it is good to talk (or write) about what we experience as women. I think we can help others cope by doing so.
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I was miserable. I had just had Julia in France. There was no one around to help me and I was so exhaused. I had spent 7 days in the hospital recovering and while I was much luckier than some ladies who have 24 hours, I was still unready to be alone all the time.
Julia cried a LOT. Maybe all babies do, but when I was so tired and my husband so needy, it grated on my worn nerves. Once I sat down in the shower and sobbed for a long time while Julia napped in her snuggie outside the bathroom door.
I felt so guilty. I loved Julia so much and I was so happy to have her. But, I didn't know how to keep my house perfect, get my figure back immediately and take care of my nursing baby, who seemed to cry when she wasn't sleeping or feeding.
Once, her ragged cries wore my nerves so much that I felt I was going to scream and toss her out the nearest window! I knew I NEVER WANTED to hurt my sweet pea and that I was just really tired, but I'd never thought such an evil thought in my life.
So, I walked away from all windows and held her closely to my chest - I knew as long as I held her tight she'd be safe. We both cried; together alone and unconsolable in our own confused pain.
I knew that I wasn't crazy and I knew my heart never was to hurt anyone, especially my baby. I got together right away with a 'new baby' group in Paris that had English speaking women. I was reassured immediately that I wasn't the only one struggling.
Just by telling my story, I saw guilt flush out of faces and eyes open wide in hope...."You too? I thought I was crazy!"
Its not something you can really confide in your husband. You don't want him thinking you're going to eat your babies! You don't feel comfortable telling your mom; how evil could you be?
When I heard other moms confessing frustration and hormonal and fatigued truths, I was absolved.
I stayed in the group even after Julia was one. I helped new moms who had fears and I was so happy for those who were there for me.
Yes, It was awful! But I'll have to comment on it later. I'm too tired tonight to go into it.
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